TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he need to halt making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may even include:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have convert-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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